Literary Life - Brenda Grate

Wake Up With a Smile

By Brenda | April 24, 2008

I woke up this morning with a smile on my face and joy in my heart. It’s a good way to wake up and is pretty normal for me. This wasn’t always the case. I used to wake up and my first thought was dread for what I had to do that day, such as go to school, or work, or something else unpleasant. It had the effect of either putting me into a bad mood, or making me feel depressed. Not a good way to start the day. As I got older and began to understand how thought patterns affect my life, I made it a habit to pause upon wakening and think of something good that was going to happen that day, no matter how small. It lifted me up and gave me something to look forward to and thus I would start the day with a smile and in a good mood. This is how I became a “morning person.”

That’s why I believe in living life with a thankful heart. Even if life is kicking your butt, you can still find something to be thankful for and that makes everything a little less grim. I know one person especially who lives this way, and even puts me to shame. No matter what this person is going through, and things are pretty tough right now, they still smile and laugh and make me laugh. That impresses me. My friend told me the other day that even if they get a flat tire, they see it as an opportunity to meet someone new, the tow truck driver… Now that is being positive in a negative situation! Being positive brings good things to your life, because I’ve never seen anyone have as many good things happen to them as my friend has had. It’s inspiring.

Topics: Inspirational | 2 Comments »

Home Again

By Brenda | April 24, 2008

I’m back from my trip and now trying to recover some of my sleep. I had a wonderful time both with the Grate side of the family and with my sister and her family. It has been about 10 years since I saw any of them so we had a lot to catch up on. We caught up fast and hard and now I’m in recovery mode. I am looking forward to going back again really soon.

I went to my first baseball game, went quading in the desert and got to see the nightlife of Phoenix. It was a lot to pack into a week, so I guess I’m going to have to go back and experience it some more. It was a nice break from the cold weather we’ve been experiencing here, too. I’ll post some pictures as soon as I get a chance.

It’s nice to be home.

Topics: General | No Comments »

On Holiday

By Brenda | April 9, 2008

I am happy to report that I am heading off on Thursday for my first holiday in several years. I’m going to Seattle for two days and then Arizona for a week to visit my sister. I’m pretty excited about the trip, especially as I’m going alone. I like the adventure of finding my own way around and knowing I did it myself. So, I probably won’t be posting too much over the next couple of weeks, but if I get a chance I’ll post some pictures of the trip. If not, I’ll add pictures when I get back. In the meantime, check out my good friend, Daryl’s site. He has some great short stories posted. If you read them, be sure to leave him a comment and tell him how much you enjoyed them, because I know you will. He’s a terrific writer.

You can also check out a few other good sites:

Hope to see you all soon!

Topics: General | 2 Comments »

Concience vs. Guilt

By Brenda | April 3, 2008

A subject that seems to come up more and more frequent lately is guilt. I keep running into this topic in conversation and I thought it would be a good one to address. I know so many people in my life who live in guilt. Have you met someone like that? Where they evaluate everything they do and if they decide they’ve done something wrong, they live in guilt over that thing for a long time. I feel sad for them because in my opinion guilt is a debilitating emotion. I believe in having a concience rather than guilt because a concience will keep me from doing things I know I shouldn’t, but if I do something wrong I’ll recognize it and move on, trying not to do that thing again. Guilt serves no purpose other than to make me feel bad about myself.

Another thing about feeling guilty, is it has no end. When your concience pokes you, it happens and then it’s over. But guilt will bother you every single time you think of that situation, which most people will do often. You know, it’s like when you have a sore in your mouth. What does your tongue do? Despite the fact that it hurts, your tongue will poke at that sore over and over throughout the day until you make things worse. I see guilt in the same way. Guilt pokes at the soreness of something you’ve done until it actually makes the situation worse than it has to be. That’s why I call guilt a debilitating emotion. It serves no healthy purpose.

This is why I believe in evaluating my life on a regular basis. This keeps me from walking willy-nilly into situations and keeps me from making the same mistakes over and over. But if I do happen to do something stupid, I won’t allow guilt to take a hold in my life. I try to see what brought me to that problem and how I can in future avoid it. But, if I didn’t make a mistake in the first place, I wouldn’t have learned that lesson. Our society is so focused on perfection, that we forget imperfection is a part of the human condition. Perfection alienates us from our fellow humans because each one of us knows inside ourselves that we’re not perfect and when we meet someone who seems to have attained it, we don’t feel worthy to associate with them. All the while these imperfect people are walking around feeling alone.

If you feel guilty about something you’ve said or done, or even not done, take a moment to think about it. Think about the situation and how it happened, then evaluate the steps you would take to ensure it doesn’t happen again. What would you do or say differently, or how would you keep yourself from ending up in that situation again. Once you’ve done that, you’ve established the pattern you’ll follow in future. You have learned your lesson. Now, file it away and get on with things. Next time you come close to a similar situation, you’ll remember the steps and will hopefully deal with it better. You should at least be a step ahead of the last time. That’s progress. Don’t allow guilt to rule your life, rather learn the lesson and move on. You’ll find yourself feeling more confident and will actually deal with things better than if you lived with the guilt constantly. Guilt erodes confidence.

We all make mistakes…repeat this over to yourself when you feel guilt. Mistakes are lessons waiting to be learned, is another good thing to tell yourself. Learn the lesson, file the guilt away and tackle life rather than letting it tackle you. Time to live life on the offensive side.

Topics: Inspirational, Religion, Thinking | No Comments »

Hair Straight Back

By Brenda | March 29, 2008

I chose the title for this entry because that seems to be the way life is right now. I wrote my last entry about control and that’s the last thing I’ve had for the past couple of months. I wanted to be able to give up the desire for control and I haven’t been given a choice. Life is throwing curve ball after curve ball and I’ve finally stopped dodging them. Rather, I’m grabbing each one and seeing what it has to offer. There are so many interesting things if we only give each opportunity a second look to see what it might have for us. Some of them we may reject and drop to the floor, but some of them could end up being more interesting than first glance seems to indicate.

I’m being careful not to make any big decisions because I’ve always heard that after a traumatic event, you shouldn’t make any huge decisions for at least a year. I think that’s good advice, which I’m trying to follow. The problem is I’m probably the most impatient person I’ve ever met in my life. Because of my passion for life, I want everything to happen right now, or yesterday. So, I’m learning a huge lesson about letting things take their natural course and not trying to hurry them along by manipulating the situation. Oh, yes, the control issue again… It’s all about letting go, as I keep telling myself. But, myself doesn’t always listen so well. Sometimes I need to give it a kick in the pants and say, take your own advice, stupid!

I wonder if living life hair straight back is a good thing for most people, or if it’s too much excitement or even stress. Maybe you have to be a certain type of person to live this way. The older I get the more I realize how different I am. I thrive on excitement and change, but I’m realizing that many people don’t feel the same way. Maybe that’s why I’ve always felt that I live somewhere in between the worlds of other people.

I love balance. I try to live by the adage, everything in moderation. This helps to keep me in check and not to overdo anything. I think it’s important to find balance between living life on the edge and just living. To every day be going a hundred miles an hour would exhaust anyone, but sitting around and doing nothing exhausts me. So I am looking for balance. Yesterday was a good day. I spend my day off not doing much. I did some research and then dug into a novel that I’ve been reading (which is also a bit of research as it’s about Queen Juana of Spain, The Scroll of Seduction by Gioconda Belli). It was such a nice relaxing day, like I haven’t had in a long time. My girls are spending the weekend with their father, so it’s the first time I’ve been able to have my place to myself and the quiet is soothing.

Finding balance in life is important. So often we are tempted to go overboard in a certain area and it burns us out. I work with some people that put way too much into their jobs. So much that their personal life suffers. I admire dedication like this, but I am concerned for them because no job is more important than family and peace. Other people work only to make money and they can’t wait to get out of work each day to go home. This too can be dangerous because they might not be putting enough effort into their job. I see that a lot where I work. I try to make my job important, but no more important than the other things in my life. It’s tough sometimes because when I was working for an accounting firm, tax season comes along and work is about all you can do. But that’s just for a season. Sometimes work or personal things will take priority, but it should only be for a short time and then things need to be brought into balance again.

It’s important to evaluate where your time is being spent. If you’re consistently working overtime and feeling wiped when you get home, maybe it’s time to decide if work is getting too much of you, maybe your family is suffering and that area needs more attention. It’s so easy to just live life and let time pass by unnoticed until a crisis forces you to evaluate. That scares me a lot. I’d rather be looking ahead and see what’s coming down the road as much as possible, so that I can ward of the crisis. Obviously some of them can’t be foreseen, but the more warded off the better.

Like I’ve said many times before, take a step back. Think about where your time is being spent. Is your life in balance? If it is, good for you! I don’t think I’ve ever completely reached that place, but I’m getting closer every day.

Topics: General, Inspirational, Thinking, Writing | 3 Comments »

Interior Authors Group - Kamloops

By Brenda | March 26, 2008

I realized this morning that I haven’t spoken about the writing group in Kamloops. There are a lot of Kamloops residents that read my blog, so what better way to get the word out. The Interior Authors Group meets on the second Wednesday of each month at the Kamloops Art Gallery from 7:00 - 9:00 pm. I was elected president of the group in September of 07 and I’ve been enjoying being part of such an inspiring group of people. We have many interesting members, many of whom are published authors and many who are still working toward publication, including myself. What I love most about the group is the diversity of talent we have. There are poets, artists, novelists and short-story writers to name just a few. The members are wonderful about supporting and inspiring each other in their craft.

The meetings consist of readings and critiques, inspirational readings on writing, discussions of different writing issues, presentations, ice-breakers for fun, and a lot of networking. The purpose of the group is to inspire and support each person and the group has been very successful in this regard. If you live in Kamloops or surrounding area and are interested in writing, illustrating, editing, etc, please join us at our next meeting, April 9, 2008 at the Kamloops Art Gallery at 7:00 pm. The first three meetings are free for potential members and yearly membership is only $30. We’d love to see you there!

Topics: Journaling, News, Publishing, Writing | 3 Comments »

Toxic People

By Brenda | March 23, 2008

An interesting topic to me of late is toxic people and how we can deal with having them in our lives. I’ve recently seen a few of my close friends go through horrible situations because of a toxic person. It astounds me how easy it is for someone to turn on others, even the closest person in their life, and spew venom at them and do their best to bring that person down. What is even more astounding to me is that a couple of these friends are the most positive and full of life people I’ve ever met. This makes me wonder if there isn’t a correlation.

Positive people don’t always bring out the best in those around them. Frequently, they bring out the worst. I have personally experienced this, but it wasn’t until lately that it became clear to me. Being a person who believes in living my life as whole-hearted as I can, being honest and real, doing my best to give my all to the people I love; I thought this meant people would understand my motivations and see my heart. This hasn’t always been the case. At times it’s even opened me up to some pretty nasty situations. I’ve never understood it. But, seeing one of my closest friends go through the same thing has given me a greater understanding.

When you are positive and happy, and someone else is the opposite, your happiness only shines a light on their feelings and it can even magnify their state. In turn, because they feel bad about themselves, it’s somehow necessary to do everything they can to bring you down to their level. This isn’t anything new, or anything you haven’t heard before, I’m sure, but I want to talk about solutions.

How do you deal with toxic people in your life? I’d be very interested in hearing in the comments, some of the solutions my readers have come up with. I don’t think there is a simple answer to this problem and it’s one that has been around from the beginning of time. Anytime you bring two people into a relationship, there is potential for toxicity.

How do you know if someone you have met is a toxic person? It’s not always immediately apparent. I have met many people and thought they were so nice and enjoyed their company for a long time before I saw the reality. I have gotten better at spotting the warning signs as I’ve gotten older and gained more experience and now I tend to be friendly but distant when I met people like that. I have no desire to invite them into my life. I already know the outcome of that and I just won’t go there. But, what about the toxic people you can’t do anything about? Such as a sibling, or a parent, or a spouse?

Despite or, maybe because of my recent circumstances, I don’t propose getting out of a relationship with a toxic spouse as the answer. When you’ve made a commitment of that magnitude, it isn’t an easy fix, but if you’ve worked and done everything possible to heal the relationship with no positive outcome, then yes, the only way is to separate yourself from them. But what about a family member? Sometimes that’s even harder to deal with than a spouse. I had to address this issue in my life many years ago and after much struggle and strife, I chose to separate myself from my mother. It was a difficult decision, but once made, peace with the result. I have been able to keep that toxicity from my children because of my decision and that was worth it to me. I also don’t propose this as a solution in every situation, but should be done as a last resort. The ultimate goal, though, is to preserve your life. How can you live your best life if you’re surrounded by toxic people?

Some of the solutions I propose:

Don’t allow people to talk down to you, or say negative things to or about you. We live with what we allow.
Be positive no matter how negative other people are around you. If they turn on you for your positive attitude, walk away. It isn’t worth getting into conflict because they have their world view and the two seldom meet.
Communicate with the close people in your life and share with them how their negativity makes you feel. Maybe they aren’t even aware of it. Again, we live with what we allow. Communication can sometimes make all the difference.
Put some distance between yourself and the toxic person. Sometimes just giving some breathing room, where you’re not in their space all the time, can make dealing with them a lot easier. If it’s a co-worker, maybe you can shut your door (because you’re really behind and need to catch up of course!) for a while and have some peace. When you can bring yourself back to a healthy balance of mind, it can be easier to shrug off that person’s issues.
If all else fails, remove the person from your life. This is a last resort, but if the toxicity is seriously impacting your life and your stress level is reaching unsafe proportions, this is a must.

This is a serious issue and one that could use a lot of exploring and discussion. I can only say yet again, We live with what we allow. What are you going to allow in your life?

Topics: Inspirational | 3 Comments »

Settling In

By Brenda | March 20, 2008

I am finding my balance again and settling into my new life. When I was first going through this roller coaster ride, I thought it would never happen. It’s scary when your whole life shifts out of its normal orbit and it seems that everything is tilted and off balance. It’s only partly to do with control as I talked about in my last entry, but more to do with understanding where I’m going. I have always been a planner, so when I’m not sure what is coming next, or I can’t even plan for it, it makes things feel really risky. To be honest, though, I find this is kind of exciting. I’m letting go of control and letting some things happen as they will and really nice surprises are happening. I guess that’s the other side of letting go a little.

The writting is starting to pick up again. It took me a while to get back into the groove again. My head just wasn’t in it with so many other things rolling around in my mind. But, I can never stay away from my work for long without feeling edgy. I’m happy that I can finally say that I’m back. The research for La Rosa is exciting and very interesting to me, so it’s not hard to find the time for that.

There are so many things I’ve been learning and want to discuss on the blog, but I’ve been finding it hard to find the time to formulate them. I will try and get a few of them together next week, so look for a bunch of posts back-to-back. I’m going away for the long weekend and seriously looking forward to the break. Then in April I’m off to a long-awaited trip to Arizona to see my sister for the first time in many years. Exciting things to look forward to.

Have a happy long weekend everyone! I’ll be back soon…

Topics: General | No Comments »

A Day at a Time

By Brenda | March 2, 2008

Do you think that having control in your life is important? I’ve been thinking about this question this morning and even wrote in my journal about it. I wonder if having control is a false impression? I have been struggling with this thing for a very long time. I grew up in an environment of chaos and as a result my life became one of control and careful planning. It wasn’t that I didn’t do spontaneous things, I love to go with the flow sometimes, but the important things were always carefully calculated and carried out with intention. Then my life took a turn I didn’t expect. I am now single and raising my teenage daughters and living on my own. It has been a huge adjustment, but even in this, everything was carefully thought out and as many repercussions planned for as possible. It went much as I thought it would, but there was one thing I didn’t expect. That was the fact that my life is now completely out of my control. I have no idea what the future will bring. Before, I could have said exactly where things were going and how I’d end up there. It wasn’t very exciting, but it was safe. Now my life is exciting and not at all safe. So, which one is better for me? Well, I chose this life, so it is definitely what I want, but now I’m dealing with the control issue.

The thing I was thinking about this morning is how nice it would be to give up the desire for control. Life throws curve balls no matter how safe you try and make your life. When those things come you just have to deal. There’s no way around it. So, when you spend time trying to plan for everything and worrying about what’s coming, doesn’t that just waste precious energy and make it difficult to look forward to the future? I don’t want to live in fear and worry. I’ve done it before and there’s nothing worse for a person’s spirit. I would rather sit back and enjoy the ride and be surprised by what shows up at my door.

I am not saying that planning is bad. I’ll never stop being a planner, but I will stop being a worrier. I am excited about what life has to offer me and I will go out there and get my piece of it. I’ve wanted that my whole life and never been brave enough to do it. Leaving my husband isn’t part of that, it’s just one of the curve balls along the way, but this has launched me into a new life with so many possibilities. I will do my best to make good decisions and I will also do my best to enjoy the ride and not worry about what’s coming around the corner. I want to give my daughters a good example of what it’s like to live life full tilt. Isn’t that what it’s all about? We only get one trip and it’s up to us to make every second count.

Topics: Inspirational, Thinking | 5 Comments »

Change Your Mind

By Brenda | February 23, 2008

I’m listening to a song called, “Change Your Mind,” by Sister Hazel. This is one of my favorite songs because I think the lyrics are so insightful. I’ve included the lyrics at the end of the post so you can read them for yourself.

The thing I love about this song is how it puts the responsibility of our circumstances on us. It’s all about not just accepting what life is handing to us, but changing things ourselves. But to make a change, we first have to change our mind. What it boils down to is that everything begins and ends in our minds. The mind is powerful. Just think of how great inventions began. They started in a person’s mind and ended up changing the world. If a person can dream up something like that in their mind, how much easier should it be for us to dream up becoming someone different, someone we want to be?

A lot of it is about introspection. Do you take the time to think about your life and your actions? How about your relationships? If a person doesn’t take the time to examine what’s going on, how can he know there needs to be change? So, self-examination is important. If you do this regularly, you’ll know long in advance when a problem is arising and can head it off. One of the best ways of doing this is journaling. Journaling is not just something for little girls with their secret hiding places and tiny keys. It’s one of the greatest tools for helping you to change your mind. When you journal, it’s like you’re having a conversation with your subconscious. You will quickly learn things about yourself that you didn’t have a clue about. Our subconscious is very private. It doesn’t like to say anything unless we coax it along.

I also find daily writing to be a healthy way of unloading the junk of the day. When things have happened that bother me, or I don’t understand, I write it out in my journal. I may not find an answer, though I often do, but either way, it helps to purge my system and makes me fresh for the new day to come. This isn’t just something for writers, either. If you are human, you should write. It’s as simple as that. We are creative beings that aren’t well equipped to deal with all the emotions and thoughts swirling around in our brains. We have to find ways of coping and even being proactive about our lives. Writing is a safe medium. It’s better than talking out loud to ourselves and making people think we’re crazy.

This brings me back to the original thought. “If you want to be somebody else, change your mind, change your mind.” Sounds simple, doesn’t it? Well it isn’t. But it’s possible. You have to start with your thinking. All of the things I write about on this blog have something to do with change, either yourself or your life. Change is something I believe in because life is about progress. It’s about growing. Look at all of nature. Nothing is ever stagnant and we shouldn’t be either. If something becomes stagnant, it begins to decay. That’s a good lesson for us. What we need to do is learn how to change. Thoughts are powerful. Examine your mind and thinking patterns. Do you think positive things? Or do you berate yourself and tell yourself you’re stupid and will never change? When you take a step back and pay attention to the words rolling around in your head, it can be both a shocking and illuminating moment.

Your mind determines the things you will say and do in your life. It all starts there. If you want to be somebody else, change your mind.

Hey, Hey
Did you ever think
There might be another way?
To just feel better,
Just feel better about today

Oh no-
If you never want to have
To turn and go away,
You might feel better
Might feel better if you stay.

Yeah yeah
I bet you haven’t heard a word I’ve said
Yeah yeah
If you’ve had enough of all your trying
Just give up
The state of mind you’re in:

[Chorus]
If you want to be somebody else,
If you’re tired of fighting battles with yourself.
If you want to be somebody else
Change your mind, change your mind.

Hey hey-
Have you ever danced in the rain
Or thanked the sun
Just for shining- just for shining
Or the sea?
Oh no! Take it all in
The world’s a show,
And yeah, you look much better,
Look much better when you glow.

Yeah yeah
I hope you heard every word I’ve said.
Yeah yeah
If you’ve had enough of all your trying
Just give up
The state of mind you’re in:

[Chorus]

Hey hey-
what ya say
We both go and seize the day.
’cause what’s your hurry,
what’s your hurry anyway?

Yeah yeah
I hope you’ve heard every word I’ve said
Yeah yeah
If you’ve had enough of all your tryin’
Just give up
The state of mind you’re in:

If you want to be somebody else,
If you’re tired of losing battles with yourself
If you want to be somebody else,
Change your mind, change your mind.
Change your mind, change your mind.

Out of your mind, out of your mind,
Just close your mind.

Topics: Inspirational, Journaling, Thinking, Writing | 4 Comments »

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